Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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