Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
