I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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