"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
