he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
