You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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