I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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