I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
