did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
