don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Never underestimate the power of titties
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
