my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
