ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
