I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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