remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
