I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
