"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
