Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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