we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
