If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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