did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
