I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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