I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
