There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
