Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
