i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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