The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We need to get me chipped asap
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
