Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
