Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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