His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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