i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize