I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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