We're facebook friends in real life
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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