ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
