the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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