You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
