You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
