Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
