im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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