got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
