Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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