you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
