the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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