i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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