I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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