My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
