tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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