I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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