Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
