I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
