i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
