So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
