Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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