I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
sarcasm needs its own font
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
