woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
