i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
