Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
