It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
