cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
