i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize