she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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