so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
