then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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